In a bizarre twist of the J6 Committee’s activities, Liz Cheney made a bombshell announcement Friday morning on the US Capitol steps.
“In an effort to right a major wrong,” Cheney said, “I have convinced my fellow committee members to serve as an appeals court and allow Amber Heard to have second chance to defend herself against the accusations of her former husband, actor and slime ball Johnny Depp.”
For those of you hibernating through 2022, approximately two months ago, a jury in Fairfax County, Va., ruled that Amber Heard intentionally and maliciously defamed Johnny Depp. Depp sued Heard for defamation and the lawsuit alleged that Heard wrote a 2018 Washington Post op-ed identifying herself as a “public figure representing domestic abuse.” In the op-ed Heard did not name Depp, but the jury found that references to him were clear. After the verdict, the jury awarded Depp $10 million in compensatory damages and $5 million in punitive damages.
“I believe Amber Heard was railroaded by the court,” Cheney stated, “and deserves another trial that will be more fair and more woman-friendly. I also believe that the new trial will result in a victory for Amber. Now, I must make myself clear that I have not pre-judged the outcome of the trial. But Amber has a great chance.”
According to a sitting U.S. Senator unwilling to go on the record, “Welcome to Hollywood D.C. It’s just what the public does not want in their nation’s capitol, a celebrity trial that will rehash more salacious gossip, more bad jokes about fecal matter and more eyeballs for a group of congresspersons that love the limelight more than they want justice.”
And in keeping with the current J6 Committee’s philosophy, only one side of the sordid story will be told: Amber Heard’s.
“Johnny Depp will not be called as a witness in the trial,” claimed an insider privy to the details. “In addition, none of Depp’s witnesses that testified in the earlier trial will be allowed to testify.”
And what about Johnny Depp?
“Oh, we’ll subpoena Johnny, and he’ll have to sit through the entire show trial and look all handsome and disgusted,” the staffer said, “but he won’t be called as a witness. He’s jus the eye candy for the women at home watching.”
Johnny Depp’s legal team has not returned calls to Pewlitzer staff.
One can only imagine how giddy Ms. Heard must be at this time. Her legal team is expected to respond to the shocking windfall news within 24 hours.
The networks have already set aside ’round the clock’ coverage and is clearing out their regularly scheduled primetime slots to gin up more viewers and advertising revenues during sweeps week.
“I guess we can look on the bright side of this for Liz,” said an unnamed colleague. “A new endeavor will help Liz keep her mind off of losing her House seat in the upcoming Wyoming primary election on August 16. It’s always good to keep busy during times of loss. This will be so good for her, don’t you think?”