WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden called off the troops being sent to Eastern Europe and encouraged NATO to postpone sending ships and fighter jets to thwart Russia’s preparations for invading its neighbor Ukraine.
Moments before the President’s order, Russian President Vladimir Putin ordered his Ministry of Propaganda and Misinformation to release a simple message to the world’s press corps.
“All citizens of mother Russia are fearful of the Ukrainian government’s lack of mask mandates for their people,” the press release stated. “It is up to our military to force compliance by the Ukrainian government to keep its citizens safe from Covid-19, the Made-in-the-USA virus causing havoc the world over. Make no mistake, Ukraine is just the first former province of Russia that we will invade in order to protect them from the deadly virus in 2022 and 2023. President Biden is totally on board our decision to enforce mask mandates through simple, harmless invasions.”
The Biden administration breathed a sigh of relief at the simple message.
President Biden surprised the White House Press Corps today with an unplanned visit.
“Just as I predicted during my six hour press conference on Wednesday, or Thursday, or French Friday, Putin will order his troops to move in to Ukraine, but it will be a minor incursion. And it’s justified. Ukraine has weak mask mandates, and Putin is definitely on the side of the angels when it comes to wearing masks. We’re friends, Vlad and I. Better friends than Trump and Vlad ever were. And that’s a good thing. I’ve got this under control. Jill, who are all of these people in our living room. They must be doctors or nurses. They’re all wearing masks. Pogo sticks. Have you ever jumped on a pogo stick. I won an Olympic gold medal in the pogo stick jumping competition in 1959. Anyone want to see it?”
Jen Psaki ordered the dome of silence to drop from the ceiling before any questions could be asked of the most powerful vegetable in the world.